We Are So Close To a Petty Kevin Durant Summer

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How do you spell petty? If one man has his way, it could be “K-E-V-I-N D-U-R-A-N-T”

If this year’s NBA Finals confetti is blue and yellow, then surely the sun will shine on the Golden State Warriors. It will be the first ring for Kevin Durant, the much talked-about superstar who joined the Warriors this past July, and a golden opportunity for him to cash in on being petty to the entire league.

Durant joined the Golden State Warriors as a free agent this past July in a deal that will remain a part of his legacy until the end of time. We know all about him leaving Oklahoma City for a team that bested him in the Western Conference Finals after overcoming a 3–1 series deficit, only to blow their own in the Finals. Almost a year later, Durant is in the NBA Finals with Golden State.

If Game 1 is any indication, Cleveland will have their hands full guarding him and he may be well on his way to an NBA Finals MVP and that sought-after first championship ring. Kevin Durant played like a man possessed in a 113–90 Game 1 victory over Cleveland in the NBA Finals Thursday. By halftime, he had 23 points.

Game 2 was more of the same domination from KD. 33 points, 13 rebounds, and this:

KD’s had to withstand a ton of criticism, pressure, and pettiness on his way to the NBA Finals. Think of the countless fans who dumped on Durant’s legacy for skipping out on Oklahoma City to join a team that beat him in the Western Conference Finals.

You may remember Russell Westbrook’s cupcake post following Durant’s move to Golden State, which fans took to heart and remembered when their former star returned to OKC later in the season.

As a result of Durant going to Golden State, NBA pundits and casual fans alike almost universally predicted a Golden State-Cleveland rubber match in the NBA Finals. The playoffs leading to this year’s Finals weren’t all that engaging, leading to fans openly complaining. Kevin didn’t give a damn. Not to mention the usual suspects applying pressure and firing shots, *glares at Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless*.

If Kevin wins this year’s NBA Finals, not only will he succeed LeBron James as an NBA champion, but he’ll have a golden opportunity to succeed LeBron James as the league’s “pettyweight champion” according to The Ringer’s Shea Serrano. There’s a way to do it, and it involves teaming up with a former enemy: Bay Area rapper Lil B.

Lil B, known as Brandon McCartney, started making waves in the hip-hop world with “Wonton Soup”. His so-called “based” rapping style either made fans of, or turned off, rap fans. One notable hater of the Based God movement was Kevin Durant. Just look at his tweets:

And check out his response from Lil B’s direct challenge:

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As a result, the Based God curse on KD was born.

After a brief cease fire in 2012, Lil B went back to hating Kevin Durant and the world was gifted this:

Glorious, isn’t it? The fact that an artist would take the time to write a song against Kevin Durant, while showing footage of his own basketball skills (Lil B tried out for the Golden State Warriors back in 2012) is petty, not to mention time-consuming for the editor who had to fit in all those “cutie Lil B layups”.

The instrumental used in F*ck KD is from DJ Khaled’s “Brown Paper Bag” featuring a plethora of rap’s best acts from the 2000s. Lil Wayne. Young Jeezy. Juelz Santana. Fat Joe. Even Rick Ross. Dre (one half of the song’s production duo, Dre & Cool, and not the superstar producer/rapper who sells headphones) delivers on the hook.

It’s the fourth track off DJ Khaled’s We The Best album from way back in 2007, pre-Snapchat fame, pre-major keys, pre-Drake vocals coming in yet (we were four months away from Drake’s Comeback Season mixtape when the album was released in June 2007). Despite the song’s solid verses, it was overshadowed by “We Takin’ Over” and “I’m So Hood”, singles that sandwiched “Brown Paper Bag” on the album.

Who knows why Lil B opted for that instrumental for his anti-Kevin Durant anthem in 2014? But in 2017, Kevin Durant needs to retake that Dre & Cool produced beat and make it his own. The next Kevin Durant commercial, whether it be for Beats, NIKE, damnit even Panini, needs that beautiful opening mesh of piano, violin, and horns.

To whoever runs Golden State and NBA’s social media accounts, do not run a KD highlight without that beat. If Kevin Durant and Lil B finally play each other in a one-on-one game, they’ll go toe to toe as a remade “Love KD” blasts over speakers in a gymnasium. Lil B will croon with “loooooveee Kevin Duraaaaannnnttttt” before Durant delivers a solid 32 bars. That song must be played ad nauseum.

Pay whatever royalty checks you need to give to DJ Khaled to make this happen. As long as Khaled’s son, Asahd, gets a signed Kevin Durant jersey, he’ll be fine.

Lil B also seems to be in a generous mood. He even lifted the curse off current MVP candidate James Harden on a recent episode of First Take. A Durant-Lil B partnership would appease the Based God.

Durant is a couple steps closer to getting that ring he desperately covets. Cleveland will look to adapt on their home floor — J.R. Smith will have to stop running away from defending Kevin Durant, for one — and perhaps Kevin Durant won’t have another 38 point game. But in the event that Durant does get those wins for a championship, his summer is about to be awesome. Especially if he gets DJ Khaled and Lil B’s blessings.

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